no… do not think that i really will be a death candidate and kill myself, therefore i will be to coward. But actually i am livilng in a situation that really is not the kind of yes saying to life. Sorry but i think i do not deserve live, i do not enjoy live and there is no chance that my life will get better at any time.
I am dicussing new types of energy drinks for 2 or 3 hours with people that really should know that i drink no typr of drinks that includes sugar. I need to diuscuss at work about what the last shift had done for more than half of my work. I get work to do that i am not capable of doing cause it is just impossible to do this work. But noone shows any interest in how this things get done.
Also it´s my relationship from that i really suffer a lot. I have a wife that i loved sometimes, but actually i only feel hate. I drink to get my brain silent. Just to set it free at the one weekend i have a month. Only one time a month i have the chance to get enough sleep, to get some silence, to get myself relaxed. Sad enough that this only happens when i am drunk, like actually, when i write this article.
Why? You may ask. Thats a good question! It´s just cause everything goes wild in my head. Sometimes i am not able to sleep cause i have to much things going on in my mind. Sometimes i am just to busy to stop thinking and sometimes i just hink too much, way too much.
It´s like your head explodes, when you don´t get a chance to dizzy your mind. I am not an alcoholic, i could stop drinking at any time, i already proved. The problem is that the actual society i live in is forcing me to keep my brain quit!
It just starts at social problems i have. I can not discuss with people that are way to dumb. I can not follow orders that are just leading into chaos. I am not able to accept things that makes me go mad. there are a lot of things that makes me go insane. Just one example:
My wife, god bless her, is befriended with the neighbours girl. That girl is a whore. Sorry i need to use this sentences but she´s a whore, there´s no questions about that. This girl tells her boss she´s ill to get home just to get fucked by a neihgbour. This neighbour is in a relationship. In her opinnion it´s normal that you get hit by your guy, when you provocate too much.
Sorry but maybe i am too conservative but beating a girl is wrong. Also fucking any guy or girl you can get is wrong, especially when you are in a relationship. OK the Whore next door is not in a realtionship but the guys she fuckes with are. She provocates the whole house cause she need to have sex in the complete house. It´s only me she didn´t try yet.
OK, now you can decide if it´s because i am that ugly or because of my small dick, or maybe she´s befriend with my wife… just some reasons. But i already told everyone you could weld this bitch naked on my body, i would rust myself off. No this girl is just a source of any deseases not worth to touch. Also she treats my wife like a peace of shit.
Please, girls, if you red this… why let you do this happen?
She told my wife that she only talks to her cause she is so fat and ugly that noone would ever talk to her. She only talkes with her and spend time with my wife cause she is just pity for my wife. She told her that she only spend time with her causoe my wife would have noone except her, cause she is so ugly.#
Sorry my wife is also a problem fopr me but noone talks that way about people under my protection! In this case it doesen´t matter if i like my wife or if i want to end my or her life to get happy again. I promised to protect her and this is not a thing i could let happen…
… and then comes my wife… that keeps spending time with this bitch, she let herself been treathend by a rondom whore that opens her legs for everyone. I could imagine that also i would have fucked her, if there i woulkd have been single.
Maybe, but i got to know her, so i don´t want to get ill, i don´t watn to be part of such a piece of shits life. But i will never really accept why my wife spend time with this garbage every day.
…but thats not the point
…i named this article that i just wanna end my life…
… so this could not be everything. Just imagine to life a life in a country that do not want you, cause you are a native. My Government here in germany is against every national pride. It´s against germans it want germany to be bombed, like our own government said!
Thats not a joke, the acutal german governments opinnion is that it is ok when germany got bombed, germans will be killed, childrens will be raped and all german natives will be replaced by any non german immigrants that have problems speaking our language or living our worths.
The actual government thinks it´s just “hard times” we need to come over, that we are the only country in which prices are 3-5 times higher than in the rest of europe! It´s normal that the pension will maybe be enough to finance a chamber in an residential community. Eating, drinking or doing anything than “not starving” will be the perfect sweet spot for our government.
Just as example, i am a fulltime worker in the chemical industry, means i do nightshifts, late shifts, early shifts, i work on every holiday and i work 12h on sundays. I am able to retire, at the actual law, with 63 years. If i do work till 67 years, what is impossible in my job, just physcial this is impossible, you can be happy to keep working till 50-55 years, i will get 1600€ as retirement payment. this is about 45% of what i acutally get, after taxes. But this payment will be before taxes, means that from this 1600€ there will go away 350€ a month, payable for a year in advance. So i will have roundabout 1250€ when i get my retirement. Sound ok?
Just keep the acutal inflation… that this 1250€ in 25 years will be worth 600€ (now), that will not be enough to pay my actual rent.
…so which options do i have?
I could take an investment to raise my retirement payment. This will costs me about 400-600€ a month, to get at least a payment thats worth half of my actualy salary. That means i need to live like an unemployeed to be able to live like an unployeed when i am retired… not an option…
But it´s not only the money… i am fat, i like to drink, i like thrill, so i think i wouldn´t reach retirement. But also i am in an marriage that makes me sick. I live in a flat that is full of fungus and i am not able to change anything. I would jump in front of a driving train, when i just wouldn´t be that anxious to survive in any way.
I am tired. I have no real reason to live, i have no real goal to reacht that i think i could really reach, i even have no people in my life that support me. My wife is more into tha neighbhour whore to let herself be treathend than into me. I just told her dozens of times, that the problems of a cheap crackwhore doesn´t interest me, but i need to listen to HER problems every day, again and again.
My wife doesen´t help me in any way. Just when she should do something for HER fun to help ME, cause she should talk with me about it, its too much. In this case she should test a video game, she wanted to play. She wanted to play the game, so i ordered this game, she just needed to play it. But it´s been 3 month that she never touched the game. I was supposed to write the test in about 2-3 days or at least 2 weeks. I had no chance that to fake this, again, it´s not the first time.
It´s not that she didn´t play games on MY Switch, she just claimed as her, but she just refused to play the game she ordered. Also just take a look at the date. Actually she was 3 games, she wanted to play, from that i giftet 2 to her at christmas, that are just sealed lying in the living room.
…just do not hink thats the only reason. Just imagine you do double the work with 2 workers that others do with 3-4 workers in the same time. Even the work WE do is more than cheekiness. But let me explain. We are unloading gas rail cars. Unloading one gas rail car needs roundabout 70 Minutes. After undloading you need to relax this rail tank cars a bit, that needs roundabout 15-20 Minutes. With the case that there´s a fast coupling you will need about 10-15 Minutes for changing a rail tank car, alone. That means that one person that works at this car will need 95-105 minutes to unload, relax and change a rail tank car, until the next one can unload. We have people at work that do not need an hour for this, they need 3 hours, with 4 people. You can imagine, 4 people cannot change the time in which the rail tank car unloads or relaxces but the time to change the car can be reduced to 5 Minutes if you are not alone. But they need 3 hours instead of 100 minutes. Sometimes they even need more time.
When i came to work, roundabout 45 Minutes early (yes i am dumb but i need my time to get things set up and also get my mind ready) all 4 workers of the previous working shift are freshly showered and in private clothing. We could be happy to get under the shower in time.
…. all these things are just a small drip on a hot stone but they accumulate to be something bigger. I do not want to see everything as bad as it is, but it´s getting worse. If you have no future to live for, a work where you are the only one who really does his job, living with a wife that is more interested in the live of a whore or any gay influencers on instagram that in her own marriage, what should you do? If you know you have future, you will never ever feel happy again in your life and thats a fact, what option do you have?
Actually i think that hapiness is gone forever. Also food doesn´t taste well anymore. The only thing that really works is drinking. But also Alcohol doesn´t make me happy, it´s not a solution, it just helps gettind my mind a bit quit for one night!?
I really messed up my life. I lost, or never get close enough to, my real love. I am just doing what i love in my free time, gaming, that keeps me alive and keeps my mind doing other things. Thinking about our actual political situation, the end of germany and everything that makes me sick ist just nothing i want to do.
When i think about the future theres nothing that keeps me alive, there´s nothing that really could make me happy. There is no future for a normal worker like me. I would say it would be enough to play some nice games, eat good thing, have regularly sex with a nice women, the chance to effort my hobbys but actually i am suffering from prices raises like hell.
Imagine… i know earn roundabout 15% in Euro, of what i earned in “Deutsche Mark” after my training. Thats about 27 years ago but it´s worth much less than i had earned in DM than in now earn in EUR. Just for example, i payed 840DM/420€ for a 54 square meters newly build flat, Now i pay more than double the price for about 8 square meters more. That keeps when you think about that my favourite drink 27 years ago costs DM 2,59,- what was an extraordinary high price, it was completely luxury to buy this. Today its normal to pay 4-6DM or 2-3€ for similar drinks, means roundabout 100% more. But what is the clue of that? I earn now about 215% of the number i earned 27 years ago, i earn 2900€ instead of 3500 DM (Euro in DM means: 1 Euro is 1,95583 DM) but the things i can buy with this money are way more expensive than 27 years ago.
For example here´s an offical chart for the price of one liter/ 0,264 gallons of pencoil in germany. When i just started my job one liter costs 86,6 Cents, now it costs 1,80€, thats a raise on 200% of the price… but the payment raised about 60% in wage, means i now get about 40% less for the same job. But thats only when you think about driving cars. Say it in noodles… i payes 0,19-0,29DM for 500 gramms of noodles 27 years ago, now i pay at least 2,33 DM for the same thins, thats a raise of 800%…
I just do no longer want to live this live, it has no reason to live… i cannot afford a new graphics card for my computer, i cannot even affor a new, reliable car. I am not able to do any vacation, and in the future it will only get worse. When i do not need to work any longer i will starve cause my payment will be too low to even afford a small flat. Even if i try to get happy with a new woman i will die sooner, cause my actual wife will get a lot of my retirement payment, even if she made my life a living hell…
tell my why i should live?
Just tell me….