There once was a time i lived my life, a life of good that was prosper. But since i got 18 my life seems to ruin itself. Just let me explain a couple of things. When i was 18 and made my drivers license i had a car, an old one, a renault 5. It was a nice car but quiet old when i made my driving license. I had a lot of fun with my first car. But suddenly my Parents decided that it was time to buy a newer car. Of course i proved myself and my driving skills long enough after 2 years and a new car was financed.
This was the hughest mistake ever. The so good car seller, my dad bought every car the past 20 years sold me a Ford Fiesta 1.25 16V JBS from 1995. The Problem was, that noone was told that the 95 JBS was an experimental supersport car. Maybe an early stage of the actual ST-Line. This high performance car was running nearly 200 Kilometers/hour, 125 Miles/hour. Thats pretty fast, my Renault 5 was running about 100 Miles/hour and was the fastest car of all my friends.
This was the Moment everything with cars goes wrong…
This car lasts for 3 years after i bought it. It was a 4 year old car and costs me about 20.000$ when you would buy a similar car today. The Problem was that i needed to sign a credit contract for this car. Also the car was completely unusable 3 years after i needed to pay for it for about 4 additional years. So the next car i could afford was an Volkswagen Golf 2. A really cheap buy running car… 1 year, than i got fired and found no new job. Unemployed i couldn´t afford a broken car.
Some years later when i found a new job i bought also a new car! maybe it´s normal in the US to own a car but in germany you can do nearly everything without a car. Of course it takes more time, sometimes is more anoying and you cant do hughe shopping tours cause you need to carry everything, but it´s possible to live without a car. But not i you work in full-shift like me. When i need to go to work there are no trains or busses available so without a car you are pretty fucked up.
I bought an really old Nissan, that worked really well. I was suprised how little the car must be repaired ans how long it drove with or without a water pump for example (about 3 months) without getting any troubles. But of course this car didn´t last forever so we bought a new one, an vauxhall corsa, also one year, then we bought an old fiesta from 1982, that was pretty good. It had been not much fun driving this car but it was nice and it worked to get you from A to B. I repaired everything that was necessary until a DHL Delivery Driver drove backwards into the car and damaged it so hard that it could be thrown away.
Of course we knew who it was, which car it was and the damage was clearly from this car and impossible to be from any other, but we had an old car, so police didn´t do anything. We bought a Ford Scorpio MK II Station Wagon, a Dream of a car but after 2 years there was so much rust that we needed to throw it away. Again a Vauxhall Corsa, after that again a Scorpio MK II but not a Station Wagon, a Renault Megane, another Corsa, a Citroen C4, a Ford focus, a Mercedes Class A and that was nearly the complete story.
This year i am getting 45 years old. That means i am allowed to drive cars since about 27 years. In this 27 years i had no car for about 4 years, means i am driving 23 years with now my 12.th car. I got a new one last year at end of December when my Mother in law wanted to get rid fo her old car. OK What she called old was the youngest car i drove since a long time, it´s now 8 years old. Compared to the Mercedes Class A i drove before, that was build 2004 it´s just like a new car. But also this car has issues. Not technically, i think i will be able to drive with this car for a long time!
My new car is a ford Bmax with 3 cylinder 1 liter ecoboost engine with 100 hp. Thats nothing, literally nothing that makes any fun and the car is also equippted with the barely minimum you can buy the car with. So there´s no luxury, nothing that makes fun, the car isn´t even fast. Not that you think i am a racer, i just drive verry carefully, economical and friendly for everyone in the traffic. But it´s really annoying when you are at the Highway and everyone sees you as a victim. Only to see such a small and slow car makes people angry and forces them to overtake. Also trucks that are not allowed to overtake others overtake me when i am at the Highway! Even if you have a slower car in front of you… with this car you will drive 35 Miles/hour on a german Highway when theres no limit cause your car is good in acceleration that you are unable to overtake such a snail.
Do not get me wrong i don´t want to drive 150+ Miles/hour but i want to be able to. So our next car was considered to have at least 200 hp or more! Not for speeding b ut for safety! Sound ridiculous but it´s true! Nothing is making me more angry to drive 35 Miles/hour when there´s no speed limit and i have no chance to overtake the 95 year old granny. For your consideration, before you judge me, you are allowed to drive on a highway with every car that is able to drive at least 35 Miles/hour (60Kilometers/hour) but no law forces you to drive the 80 Miles/hour (130 Kilometers/hour) that are recommendet on a german highway.
Thats the long story why i now have a car that i am thankful fore, that was a gift. I didn´t pay for it and its my mothers in law car, so there are no hidden defects or such things. I feel so bad that i complain about the car but the Ford Bmax is the least interesting car i have ever seen. When she bought this thing i already mentioned that i would never want to drive such a piece of shit. Sorry but thats a fact! The car is ugly, slow without any extras or luxury that could make the car interesting. I think a high-end sound system would be such a thing or a digital assistent like it´s standard in newer cars. This thing really has nothing of interest for me. If you try to use the trunk my Backpack from work nearly fills half of the trunk. Thats ridiculous and completely annoying.
You can not transport anything without removing the backseats, meaning you will have a 2 seats car, no chance to take anyone with you when you need to go shopping. The car accelerates really fast from 30 to 60 but after that, or before that, theres nothing. The 3 cylinders and the PC Fan like Turbocharger are so economic to save fossil fuel that it´s a shame. But more shame it is that this car will cost about 500€ every year only for the inspection of the car and an oil change. This oil change is mandatory and needs to be done cause otherwise a vital part of the car will break. So this is not an option, if you drive this car you will need to do this every year and you will also need to change the timing belt when ford says to do so cause this belt goes straight throught the oil. If you don´t change the oil and the belt the motor will get killed when the belt breaks and the car will be useless. So the complete inspection every year for 500€ and every second year for 850€ is mandatory.
So please dont think i am unthankful but i now have a car that i will drive at least for 6-10 years that costs me a lot of money only to keep it working. A car that makes not a little bit fun while driving, that annoyes me when i need to drive it and that makes me feel unworthy for the street. It does not make any fun driving a car that is completely scratched from people that thinks a car is just a tool. It annoyes me that i am not able to buy a tv without paying 50€ for delivery cause this car has no space for a normal TV.
I ever thought driving a car without any place in a trunk would at least be driving a car that makes fund while driving. Driving a Nissan GTR, a Kia Stinger GT, a Ford Focus ST, Subaru WRX STi Pro Drive, a nice Camaro SS, a Mustang or a Maserati Gran Turismo, a Mercedes S Class, a Civic Type R, a Volkswagon Golf R, a Vauxhall Insignia A OPC, A Nissan 370 Z or at least a Seat Leon Cupra would have been nice alternatives between 15 and 30K that would also have less trunk but at least some fun while driving. Every car has it´s own fine things, the GTR is one of my absolute dream cars, the Stinger is a cheap sportscar with high performance and a good price, even the Maserati is cheaper than a new well equipped Ford Focus. The 370 Z is somehow a really need for speed car and even the Seat and Vauxhaul are also usable cars for everyday. But a Ford Bmax with a one litre ecoboost, a motor that fits on a A4 sheet of paper when you remove it!? Sorry… i am thankful that i do know how much this car will cost me every year but for the additional money i pay for useless repairs and inspections i also would have been able to afford a real car…
…i am a jerk but i am just tired of driving shit. When i am able to afford driving a better car i am too old to drive these cars so my car-life is already over. It´s gone, i am not fine with this but i need to accept that fun, or satisfaction will never be in my life, not without a wonder. And even if every reader of this blog, in the past 6 months will give me 100€ i would need only 11 years to afford a car that could make any fun. So i gave up… i will never have fun, i will never drive a car i want, i will never experience what it means to take place in the traffic instead of seen as the reason for the trafficjam only cause i drive a car thats shouts: Kill me i don´t want to live…
Thats not all
…but it´s not all about the car i drive. It´s just a thing i discussed with to women i am married to today. I do not call her my wife, she is, but i actually do not want to call her like that. I have one free weekend a month. And every weekend i am free there are just so many things i need to do. I need to do some work, writing, repairing, cleaning and much more but she has all the time in her life wasting money. Today we bought 4 fishes for our 180 liters aquarium that cost 90€. Thats such a waste of money. But it´s not only that… i got up at 14:00, i worked till 6 o clock in the morning so it´s normal to sleep that long. From the time i got up she needed until 17:30 to get herself ready to buy fishes. We were at home again at 20:30 after this she made something to eat and 22:00 i was able to start working.
I did some seo things after she brought cake at 22:45, she couldn´t let me work at least an hour uninterrupted, that i needed to eat cause otherwise she would be forced to throw it away tomorrow.
That are alread 4 things that fucked up again my only weekend in this month! First waiting for 3.5 hours until she was ready in which i was not allowed to do anything. I just started the computer to start my work and was directly yelled how i could dare to stop waiting for her. After all her shopping expensive fishes she made food. Nice but at 23:00 o´clock i really do no longer need to start doing work again i need to get up at 3:30 tomorrow, i need to go to bed.
I am not tired i won´t go to bed, why should i!? I already know Monday would be hell cause i will be awake from sunday around 14-15 o´clock, cause my wife would not wake me up early like i beg every month again and again cause she thinks i need my sleep. So i will not be tired enought today evening when i need to go to bed, also my wife will complain if i dare to go to bed before midnight. I will have at least 3,5 hours of sleep but i think whe will try to have sex or what she called sex… i call it get your balls hit cause she is also to dumb to jerk right enough, so she will waste my 3,5 hours of sleep again until i will have slept 1.5 hours at maximum. Just think about it… she tells me when i leave…. take care of you… how could i… i am just happy when i can drive this 8 kilometers to work without falling asleep and killing myself in the car! But we could have touching each other today, but of course today is impossible… she has again any reasons to be so upset that she didn´t tell me so i can not dare to think about having more than popcorn and sleep… tomorrow/today she will again try to kill me with keeping me away from sleep…
Normal Things?
I am just getting tired…
Everytime the same things. No fun on the street, no fun in the bed, no fun while shopping, i´just got scammed again while online shopping, no fun in gaming cause everybody that could support me at Helldivers 2 is not available when i need support and randoms keep kicking me, no luck with press samples, i just got the new Rise of the Ronin but this is scrap again, no fun at work cause our superiors think we have not enough to do at work so they invent more things for us to do, while it doesn´t matter if you to control if nothing is frozen when it´s 20 degrees celsius outside and you work in T-Shirt, but we need to write down about 45 temperatures, measured with an ifrared thermometer now every day for our wintercontrol checklist.
The other day the day-shift, our superiors made a hughe party wheere they celebrate our new workplace environment that was completely build new. Nice that nearly everything is already broken and the construction site that should need 6 months was here for over 2 years in which we needed to breath asbestos dust in the air and shit in a mobile toilet when it was freezing outside. We, shiftworkers, do the work, we are here in the night, at weekends and at holidays but whithin this celebration we were not involved. there were tons of food left after this celebration but the room where the food was, had been locked that noone would steal anything. The rest of the food was thrown away the next day. The Night-Shift, that means me and my coworkers could have eaten like kings but the room had been locked cause they were afraid that we could steal the plates, knifes and forks in this room. Can you imagine to throw away food worth a couple of hundreds of dollars only cause you are afraid that anyone could steal a plate or a fork?
Useless to say that it was me who brought about 300 pieces of forks, knifes, spoons and 2 dozen Plates, old bowls and cooking pots to work a couple of years before and that it was me that bought completely new sets of cutlery for all when we got the new kitchen. But the fear of me stealing their cheap and ugly industry cutlery is so important that they could throw away food for a couple of hundred dollars so they lock it away!
How i know this? We have keys to this room, they do not really know or remember this but this room was our lockerroom for a long time, more than 2 years. Funny also it has been cleaned one time in this 2 years and guess when!? A couple of days ago before the hughe party when all thos officeworkers celebrate themselfs for us doing the work…
… sometimes i just think i shouldn´t have lived. Then i see a meme on TikTok that says: “Most man die at 18 but they go to grave at 78” and this is exactly how i feel… actually there is nothing worth living for! For what? A Job that ruins my body and my mind at the same time, where i work 7 days in a row with only one free weekend in a month? Or should i live for a woman that thinks gaining more and more weight is the right way of living? That thinks i have the ability and duty to find her attractive only cause she wants to? She now weighs three times the weigth when we first met, she also smells bad even when she get right out of the shower and her ability to give blowjobs is so good that my balls need a week to feel normal after her punching them while jerking my wiener! Sorry but my wiener is not verry hughe i must admit but having normal sex is impossible in the meantime. Not only cause i do not have the dick of Johan Flacon i have a normal standard european penis and this is not enough to get any fun with a woman you need to pass so much fat to get anyway in or at.
My work is well paid but that means nothing when you have a wife that throws out the money with both hands. I have only one thing that is actually really reliable, at least most of the time… alcohol. Yes, this guy who´s posts you read is drinking. I am not addicted i think, i can drink myself near a coma and than do not drink anything for months but it´s the only things that gives me some silence.
A Silence nothing else is able to give me. My head begins to turn a bit, my thoughts spread out, i write this article while getting drunk and it´s nearly again an hour since i wrote that we are near midnight. I think i will need to accept that my life is already over and that it doesn´t matter if i live or die. Noone will miss me when i am gone, maybe my wife cause she looses her financial safety but thats it. My two dogs may really be unhappy but i think they will also only miss the little pieces of saussage that fall under the table… i am a shift worker, i spend not much time at home, that never really miss me cause i am not here so often. My parents are both dead and the rest of my family sees me only as the adopted bastard noone ever wanted, that i seem to be. My wife only yells at me, convices me for lying, my son is taken away cause of my fine ex girlfriend, it´s her and my son but now my son is 20 years old and the only thing i know is that i should pay actually 4500€ every 4 months which means 1/3 of my income what is completly impossible but they just take it. Noone will miss me, really literally noone. I would be forgotten in less than half a year…
Although i have just two persons that i would call friends, one of them is just my friend cause i think i could rely on him in every situation, we help each other as much as possible but real friednship this isn´t. If he wouldn´t be that realiable i wouldn´t be able to take all his behaviour but thats for another post. Also the second person i would call a friend, i think we knows that i will die before him. He´s young and we understand each other really good cause we have the same nerdy thoughts, interests and much more. For example… he thought helldivers 2 could be nice for me and so i gifted me the game on steam…. i love this game, i am addicted, just getting some hughe guns and spread fucking democrazy while killing Bugs or Bots… nice when you are really angry. So he knows me well and my gift for his birthday a set out of a dungeon master and players book for D&D was also a hughe hit. He was happy af 😉
I do not hate my life, i do not hate myself but i hate the role others forced me into, if i want to or not! I am just tired… i wish i could sleep a long, deep and relaxing sleep and awake from all this to another life but getting isekaid only happens in asian anime and mangas not in real life….
I am not allowed to life my life like i want and even if i would end all connections to my actual life, i would need to leave germany, get away from everything, get divorced, hoping german law wouldn´t lay hand on my new life in another country. But how should i do this? I have no spare money to move out, i would never be able to afford a divorce, i wouldn´t even be able to pay for tickets into another country and even if i would be… how could i believe that happiness and luck would be better to me in another country?
So maybe i have already accepted that i will die as a small piece of society, hated by all and never missed. I think i accepted that i will never be happy and that drinking alcohol to stop my mind thinking about the situation maybe the only solution to my problems cause getting drunk gives me at least a little ammount of peece and silence in my brain.
….do you think i need a therapy? Do you think i will get a therapy?
…you are right, i have no time for a therapy cause who will do my work? Noone would do and if i stop doing my work on my websites, after my paid job, i will loose the last thing that makes sense and a little bit of fun in my life…
…any hints? any thoughts? any help? I think i could use everything i can get! But as long as so many people reads this blog like the ammount of people that likes me, there will be no hope. Hope… what a nice word, the first thing i think about when i hear “hope” is who´s name that could be and if she maybe beautiful but considering hope as hope would never come to my mind… maybe i am already lost and this is just a diary of a man accepting that he already died years ago and wants to quit existing…
…i don´t know….
…the only thing i know is that i am not man enough to end my life myself, so don´t worry if you read this, i am to cowardly to do this, so it won´t happen. I am just trying to accept that happiness will be a thing for any other people but not for me… ever and ever again… maybe in my next life…