Hi there,
its just a couple of days now since my last post and i am actually still off work. Its nice to have some free time but my time isn´t free so i am not able to do what i want to do. Ok it was my own choice to run a gaming Website on the Internet and to go to the gamescom, so i need to do a lot of work for my Website to keep it running. But actually, since the first sentence of this post, there are about 4 hours gone. I am actually in a more happy mood than the title picture should show, but the topic is the same.
actually i might have had a couple of beers too much for beeing so sad like i should feel, or like i felt 4 hours ago. Thats a dramatic change in mind and makes me feel a bit nervous about my beer consume. Also i am a bit angry that this fact changes the complete topic of the article.
Normally i started to wrote this article to tell you how much i was engaged to make my wife happy in the last days, since my last post here. But i got only bad mood back for my engagement. I was shopping with her in a huge mall. Maybe for englisch speaking americans the mall we were is nothing special but in germany you don´t have these huge malls everywhere, so it was quite an event. Normally also a verry expensive event and really we spend more than 700€ there. This is about the ammount we normally have to live for a month or less than that.
Normally i would expect that my wife is happy when we go shopping, instead of me using my time for work, like i should do. I expected her to bee grateful when i buy here birthday present, a nice Pandora ring, she always wanted and also i hoped she would be more gratefuil when i buy her a secon one, cause the salesgirl told her that she could combine two rings togehter. She now got two rings, one in rosé gold and one in silver with a lot of stones, ok they are “only” Swarovski crystals and no diaomonds but we are not that rich.
You don´t know much about me, but when it comes to jewelery i am verry special. I won´t accept cheap crytals or diamonds with inclusions. When i buy jewelry it would be nice, everytime. And when i am not able to afford what i want, than i would never lie or such things, i would buy something nice, that my partner chooses. I am terrible in choosing jewelry for girls, sorry. My job advisor, when i was young, told me to learn jeweler as my main job. Maybe i think that would have been nice, but now i am over 40 years old and there´s no way to live my dreams.
but back to the topic i, now, want to talk about, cause a little afraid of what beer does to me.
Like i told you, i started this post to complain about my ungrateful wife, that only spreads bad mood, all these days i was not publishing an article. But now i am happy, i feel really good, after only 2 beers, my third is open. I don´t want to do work at all, but i would need to. I am really happy that i have learned not to do writing work when i drink more than one beer, so the quality wouldn´t suffer. But actually i want to write you again.
When i think back the last days, since tha last article, i really tried to make my wife happy and all i earned was resentment and anger. Maybe a little example. She complains about that i never spend time with her. I would always be sitting in my room, my gaming room, and work, write or play video games. Thats a real problem for her cause she feels unloved and lonely. But when i try to be with her, she is only using her smartphone, playing games on it, or watching Instagram, TikTok or Facebook videos. I already told her that this feels wrong but it´s, of course, my fault that i don´t spend time with her. At least today i was sitting in front of her watching her playing any handygame, without recognizing me at all. But when i move to go to my room, telling her that i need to do some work, she gets instantly angry.
Thats a situation i wanted to copmplain about and when i think about it it´s not a situation i need to live trough every time again.
But now, i drank about 3 beer, yes i am drinking, while i am writing this, and i don´t feel sad any longer. The beer i drink has about 5.0% of alcohol, so you may compare it to your local beer and maybe calculate a bit to know how much i can withstand 😉
At this Moment i remember a situation in my younger years. Maybe i was around 20 years old, living alone in my own flat, when i first thought about alcoholism. I never thought about that and i really never had Problems with alcohol. I decide to drink, i don´t need to. I could never drink a drip the rest of my life again, when i want to. thats not a hollow phrase, thats the truth, it was the same with smoking. Whe i decided to stop smoking, i stopped it and i never missed anything. Of course there was the habits that needed to be overcome, like i always smoked a last cigarette before shopping with my wife, she didn´t smoke and so i didn´t force her to inhale my smoke in the car or such things. Also the thing at a german cash register in supermarket. The cigarettes are normally secured with a grid the cashier must open, so you can get your cigarettes. Thats normal here in germany but it lasts several years to stop myself wanting to tell the cashier he/she should open the cigarette grid. Strange those habits, bnut my decission was made and so i lived it. It would be the same with alcohol, if i wanted to.
The only thing i want to say is taht i am not addicted to alcohol, thats no lie, if someone would challenge me, not to drink alcohol for a year or something i would easily win this wager with no effort. But thats the thing at all. I know i am not addicted but i feel good when i am drunk. Just a couple of hours before i was complaining about my life and now i am only here, writing these sentences cause i wanted to fill this blog. But actualls i think about how fast alcohol changed my mind.
Back to what i wanted to say… i think i already started this, when i was 20 years old, around this time, there was a situation, i had my time off work, cause of my birthday. I was sitting alone in my flat watching tv, a well known show with Stefan Raab, a comedy late night show. I wanted to drink a beer while watching this. the show lasts about 90 minutes and i had no beer, only one can from my birthday party. It was a 5 liter can, and i decided to throw away anything that i won´t drink. I just wanted a couple of beer, not much.
But when i came to the morning there was only a couple of drips left in the can, and i was shocked. Just 90 minutes for 5 liters of beer. That was too much i decided and since this moment i need to live with the fear of beeing an alcoholic. Now i need to think about this again when i see how fast i can get happy, just with drinking about a little ammount.
OK, now i am really a bit more concerned. I don´t feel bad, but when i returned my empty can, just a moment befor this sentece, i recognized that i had one more than i told you, so just add one more to every number i told you. And thats the point when i get really a bit anxious about. I truly have no alcohol problem but when i drink it could get fast that i feel really funny and forget about the real world problems. This always makes myself a bit unsure if i am really that strong like i think, but than i remember i am not like all the other people out there.
I already was addicted to pain meds, just i didn´t recognized. I had some verry bad back pain and the meds my doc gave me where really heavy. It was called tramadon a verry heavy pain med when you want to google it. And some day at work, i had no longer pain for a couple of days, but my stomache was aching, i felt dizzy and a co worker told my i swhould take my meds. I replied to Andreas that i don´t need any meds but he told me he thinks it would be better when i take them. Long story short, i took them and just 15 minutes later i felt ridicolous good and so i reconginzed i was addicted to this shit. I lowered the dose every day and overcome the problem faster as it shows up.
This story is just one of the little stories i could tell you and maybe i want to tell you all of there one time. But actually i am really concerned, this should be a post where i want to complain about how bad my life goes, how unfair my wife treats me but i am actually more think about alcohol. I just want to shut donw my mind for today and truly i will.
I won´t know what happend at Fairytail tomorrow, when i watch around 2 to 4 episodes of season 3 tonight. Thats one of the most scary effects actually, but there is also the chance that i might not see when i get addicted to alcohol. Actually i am afraid that it really works and beer really makes my life more bearable. That can not be an effect that i want to carry too long. For now it may be ok but in the future… sorry i don´t want to say this… it´s hard to write this sentence but i know i need to stop drinking any alcohol at all… i´ve not found a beer without alcohol yet, that tastes good. There is one without alcohol, with the least ammount of calories that is ok, that you can really drink, without the need of puke. But it truly can´t replace a good, german, tasty beer….
I know i would miss beer more, much more, than i missed cigarettes… I like the taste of good beer, i like the feeling beeing slightly drunk, cause it makes me forget about my problems. It doesn´t solve problems, i am not that silly to believe but sometimes its just good to forget about them, it wouldn´t change if i would make headache about all the little things that bother me in a day. Sorry but it´s actually good for me to have a vent that i can use to get rid of any trouble even if it´s unhealty, i am by the way at least much to fat to live that long, that it would make any difference 😉
But maybe this article gives you a bit more the chance to take look behind the scenes, behind the cosplay that i call life…
