Christmasis the most wonderful time in the year. It was… for me… long time ago. there was a time i made up my home for christmas. There were lights around every window in my flat. there were lights on my balcony, lights and shiny things all around my home. Candles were burning in every corner and when you enter my german flat you felt like you were in heaven, a us christmas heaven but it felt like heavon.
Christmas was my favourite time in the year. I spend more money on lights, candles and presents than the complete year. I collected ideas for presents the whole year so that i could make my girlfriend happy, my parents and all of my friends! Ok i must admit it was a time where i really earned enough money for this and my money was worth enough to make everyone happy but there is more today.
It´s Inflation, it´s my wife, it´s the complete situation!
It just starts with our Christmas tree out of plastic. My wife doesn´t want to have the effort to clean the living room from needles so we have no natural tree. OK thats better for the environment to not cut any trees just for decoration. Thats a thing i could live with. But theres another example…
The Adventskalender
I really do not know if you are familliar with this german tradition. There´s a calender which gives you a sweety every day to raise the good feelings for christmas. Everyday you open one door fo this calender and you get a little present until you get your real presents at Christmas. Most of the time it´s just a small piece of Chocolate or such a thing but when you grow older and you have adult money you could make an adult calender. OK good couples would buy sex toys for every day and have the fun of their lives every day in december but you know this blog wouldn´t exists if my life would be fun.
There is just one thing that gives me fun in my live and thats videogames… ok drinking is also nice and gives me good feeling but this will revenge the day after, so it´s not cool to be drunk the complete December until christmas… doesn´t want to experience the Hangover. So Gaming is my Guilty Pleasure and i figured out my perfect Adventskalender. It would cost about 130€ to make the complete perfect Adventskalender for me. I just would find a new Game everyday! With this in my mind i figured out what my wife would make happy!
I know i am such an Idiot to try making my wife happy but i am married with her and it´s my duty to make her happy. I just wish i would get a bit in return but maybe i will die as a martyr for love some day. I will neve get anything in return for the effort i put in this marriage i know this cause its 00:20 and my wife just went to the nieghbour whore instead of staying with her husband. But thats not the point.
My wife is not that intelligent or generous that she would think about making a gaming Adventskalender for me. I know this but i really planned a hobby Adventskalender for her. I am dumb i know doing things to make her happy instead of planning our divorce but i think i am too afraid that i will never get a woman again when i sacrifice what i have. The perfect woman i met in my life and yeah i really met the perfect woman, the Angel send from Hell od Heaven at the same time was in my life… too short… to far away… but really near so i could taste a bit of her aura to fall in love with her. But let us not talk about my waifu let´s talk about chistmas and Adventskalender.
I planned a Resin Adventskalender for my Wife. Costs about 160$, an i know it would have been worth seeing her smile when she opens a door everyday and there is more and more for a Hobby she wnated to start. But theres a Problem….
What it means to give
The Adventskalender can appear in a wide variation of forms. Some are just small pictures with a small chocalate behind every door, some are worth hundrets of dollars with a hughe present behind every door. The only rule… an Adventskalender should only raise the hope for christmas cause you know the Highlight will come at the 24.th door and then the holy night comes and the real present appears. This last Present is better than everything in the Adventskalender and is the real appreciation for everything.
So for my wife it would be really a cool thing to get some cast molds, color pigments, glitter party and Resin bottles to start her new hobby. Her Adventskalender would have cost roundabout 180 Dollar. I already had collected everything in my shopping cart. But i am happy that i talked to my wife. I topld her about the opportunity she had to make a Playstation Adventskalender where she could put in a couple of missing Games in my collection. That would be no Problem and really cheap.
For me presents mean appreciation. If i make a present i think about it. I know that most people will be completely happy with jsut a bag of chips and a bottle of coke but the Co-Worker i just think about, he actually gets a new tatoo…
He could even be my Son. I am really thinking about what i could order to make him the most happy co Worker i have. I know he´s as simple as me but i really think about what he really could want. And so i also make my mind about things my wife could thinks it would be cool. So the Resin Adventskalender could be really a thing she would be so happy with. But there´s one Problem… she does all the money stuff, so to hide this from her i need to save money for a long time, that she does not get into it. If i would take about 100$ to 200$ from our account she would aks questions, for sure, she need to, cause she manges that things. For my excuse… i work 7 days a week about 60 hours a week and i manage my blogs also to finance my hobby and more. So it´s ok if she does this, i wouldn´t have time to manage this, she takes a lot of work off me with managing the money. Im fine with this, it´s ok. But this makes it much harder to buy gifts without her getting suspicious. So it´s more than a pleasure to be able to hide enought money througout the year to plan a hughe gift Adventskalender 😉
The Cruelty of Christmas
For me it´s just essential to bus the best gift for everyone. Just listen to your people, they will tell you what they are most hoping for, maybe you need to read between the lines but you will know, if you really care! It makes me happy to see that my Presents hit the right spot!
You may know i am a Gamer with my Hearth and i will stay a Gamer till i die, thats a fact. I am now 44 and i play all Games that makes fun, Pokemon, COD, Genshin Impact, Anime Games and much more. So it´s easy to find presents for me. I am a collector so you can just take games i do not own, take the cheapest, even used, and i will be more than happy. I suggested this to my wife and her reaction was cruel.
In the moment i mentioned that there was a way to make the perfect Adventskalender for me. She directly got angry and yells at me that i will never get a playstation games filled Adventskalender. I should give up this shitty hope cause i am a dumb idiot. Only i had the nerve to plan such a hughe gift for her, i had need to count on the fact that she is not able to save money, that she would never spend money on making me happy, even not if it´s my own money.
I feel really dumb that i have thought about making great gifts to her, again. I feel bad about hoping christmas could be a happy time for me. I feel bad about the fact that i dare to hope getting happy.
The end of all
I am not able to kill myself, thats a fact, therefore i am to anxious! If i would be able i wouldn´t write this sentences here. But i am able to suffer. Suffer from my decissions to marry a woman that appreciates me like a wart on a foot, from making decissions in my life that show me everyday how less i am worth and everybody thinks that i could be worth. There is just a couple of people that are happy with my existance and even if i wouldn´t be there anymore they would others to appreciate. So what´s this life worth? What i am worth if can not afford a good ride to drive, copuldn´t afford a house to live in, couldn´t affort vacation to see anthing else than my hometown, couldn´t afford investment to have enough money when i am retired? What is live worth if even your wife thinks it´s not worth to make you happy with things that should make people happy?
Instead of buying things that makes me happy with the money i go to work for, she bought a Chocolate Adventskalender for me, i am a diabetic, this could kill me. But it´s fine.. maybe in my previous life i was Adolf Hitler, Josef Mengele, Jack the Ripper or any other guy that deserves this suffering. But really i do not feel that i am worht living, i am just existing till i die.
I am really loosing my will to live more and more everyday. I do not know how to escape this and i really have no no strength hoping for salvation. Sorry but i am down that much and i do no longer feel alive. For what should i live? only for the fact that my wife thats too lazy for her life can be lazy some more years until i die?
I am more than disappointed from live, from living, from my wife and from everything else. Everything sucks, the life, the politics and also you have no hope, there is no chance live could get any better. So maybe it would be better it would not get awake tomorrow… but i will… and when i think about the ammount i drunk today i will have headache. Of course i won´t have fun tonight, also i won´t have anbything that will makes me happy tonight or tomorrow. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that we are 3 of 4 people at work the next shift, instead of only 2… that means i need to do less to make my wife eat more chips and chocolate and spend my money for shit… i am really anxious i get into a depression, that would be horror for me…
