Have you ever thought like life is against you? Yes this is what this post is about. Sorry but i am really actually in a mood that is dangerous and alarming. For everybody that is alarmed now, about me, about me probably doing something to myself, no thats not what happening. I am actually just asking myself when i will get mentally ill, i mean not that overthinking, that strange sense of humor or my hornyness in the dumbest situations, i mean really a mental illness.
There was a moment, when i get diabetes when my eyes made problems. In this moment i really realized how hard life could hit you. Of course everybody of us has heared about anyone getting mental health problems. We all may have read something about us and how hard things like a burnout can hit you, but did you really ever thought about what will happen when your brain, your feelings and maybe your body will do anything you won´t be able to control. OK my diabetes is under control, no problems with this and no problems at all in the past years but the situation where my eyes got worse and worse showed me how it feels to get blind. That was not a funny situation and none experience i wish you to have.
But mental health issues will be more than this. When you get blind you know what will happen but if you ever get mad you don´t know what awaits you cause every mind is different. Actually i had a couple of verry bad moments the past months and actually it´s getting worse and worse. We all know that energy prices in europe are rising to new highscores, this is one thing i am thinking about. Than our car broke. I needed a complete new suspension at the front axle, that costs the little ammount of 750€ just to realize that i will now need to bring the car back to the garage cause it was not only the suspension that broke i think i will also need a new drive shaft at the front axle that will cost again roundabout 750€ or more.
Just imagine… our savings was around 1000€ so i am actually missing about 500€. I own this 500€ but this is no money that every should go into the car. Its our last chance savings that we started at January. We put all money from our bottle deposit away to save for really bad times. I hope “bottle deposit” is the right and maybe you also understand what it is. When you buy a bottle or a can with any drink in it you need to spend some additional money that reusable stuff will not go to waste. it´s only 25 cent per can or bottle, but that could be a real huge ammount when you collect this money over the year. This money will be the complete last money we have in savings. It will be enough but then there won´t be any backup for a long long time.
I seem to be a person with verry bad luck. Not only in the choice of my wife, that makes me crazy and really ill but also in every other way. this year it´s the 5.th time this car needs to be repaired. I am not able to afford a new one and i also did 4 repairs on my own, so it´s the the 9.th defect in 9 month. Could it be worse? Our stove broke, a tv broke, my laptop broke, i had a kidney stone, i got a covid infection, my smartphone seens to break also, it makes problems, my smartwatch broke, i got a salary reduction from around 600€ a month, i lost my dad, my heritage was completely impounded cause there were open bills i didn´t even know about and don´t let me start with my working situation.
There are so many bad things happening that i am not able to think any positive any further. I really try to but how? How should i be happy when i come home, lie in the bed and praise for my wife to stop breathing, cause it´s only her breathing that anoyes me when i come home from a 12 hour nightshift and she complains about me beeing to loud when i come home, just when i opened the door.
There is actually so much happening that i could imagine that its really good we have not such simple weapon laws like the usa. But when i am thinking about all those things and the things i told you now are just the little tip of an hughe iceberg, i am a bit afraid that there will be the moment something breaks in my brain.
I can imagine that at any moment, anytime, there will be to much pain, anger, sadness and all that things in my brain that i will just break. It doesn´t matter how strong i am, it doesn´t matter how hard i try to get happy in any way, there won´t be happiness in any way. I am in a phase where i try to accept that i will never be happy again, that all the bad things will happen, no matter how hard i try, how good i am, how honest i am or how much i care for others. Fate is against me.
Maybe i need to suffer and maybe i need to accept that my life is a torture for things i might have done in another life. OK you don´t expected such things to hear from me but sometimes i think it can be the only way to explain why these things happen to me. I don´t know anybody with so much bad luck like me and i don´t know anybody that has such a bad life.
Yes of course you will think, there are people in africa, poor people living on the streets with no home, there are junkies, prisoners, people fighting in wars, refugees, their lives may be much harder than mine but i am actually at a point where i have no strenght left. I had a good live, in front of my eyes, i can live a good live… a couple of days a year, i have the chance to do some cool and expensive hobbies but i need to work to finance gaming or photography cause this are expensive hobbies.
I have the chance to learn so much things but i don´t have the time. I am married to a woman that don´t want to be touched, everything i start maybe forced to fail it seems, no matter how hard i try and thats also verry bad. I may not fear about my life, i won´t starve, i won´t freeze to death or will drown cause my boat sunk while fleeing from my country but i am like a junkie, a junkie addicted to a live fate won´t treat me with. I see happy couples with an active sex life, i see singles that have more sex in a month than i had in 10 years of marriage. I see people earning twice the money i earn and i need to teach them my job that they wil be able to replace me.
I have not enough money to buy things like a new car but i am addicted to a car to get to work, so i need to teach myself how to repair it on my own. I need to work outside in rain at the railroad track cause people, i teach my job, don´t want to stay in rain. They earn twice the money i earn but need to learn from me a job i can tell every person, with an average intelligence in roundabout one month to learn everything and some of this people, earning twice the money i earn, need to be supported for more than 2 years before they are able to do anything on their own. One of these co-workers i teached now needed 2 years and made an internal exam with the result that he is able to do the job i trained him 2 years on, with help and a person that tells him what he has to do. 2 years and everyone else learns this in one month. I even teached dogs that were more intelligent, but they didn´t earn twice the money i earn.
Just tell me this isn´t any penalty for a gone life…
Maybe you can imagine that i am anxious about my brain exploding and doing what it really want´s. Yes of course i am actually drinking a bit beer. I think it will help me getting rid of some thoughts, it always helps, but writing down these thoughts also helps. I am just near the end i think. The end of how much i can stand.
It´s hard when you work 10 years for a company in a job that needed to be payed at least 2900€ plus surcharges for working at sundays, nights or in holidays. so a normal worker, just after he learned will get roundabout 3.300-3.800,- Euro a month. If you work in the job for 2,4,6 or 8 years you will get a raise so that i, working there for about 10 years schould get up to 4.000€ a month but i really earn 1.982€ plus surcharges, maybe around 200-400€ a month and i am the person doing the most work, staying the most time, teaching everybody, doing things that i don´t get payed for, cause the job i do will give you the next payment level, where you will get about 2-3€ more an hour…
This would be ok, i could live eith this, i knewed this before when i signed my contract, i was just happy to get the chance to get an working contract but now 10 years after i realize that i was completely scammed with this job. I calculated that i am missing more than 100.000€ in 9 years of work, 100.000€ a young 19 years old guy, freshly employed would have had earned more than me in this 9 years. Where our young employes buy high end gaming pc´s, virtual reality headsets, go on vacation and spend 500€ on merch at gamescom in ONE MONTH i need to save 2 years to buy a used car that falls into pieces and thanks to the fact that i am a time employee since 10 years i don´t get any credit for a better car…
Such things are really depressing, such things makes me really going mad but actually my mind is strong, i maybe actually drunk but i don´t know how this should last in the upcomming crises. I am really afraid of the future and i already know, i am actually ruining my mind, my mental health and my complete sex life… for what!? For the fact that my leave will be that much that i can choose… eat or have a roof over my head but both will be impossible…
…it´s acutally a bit living on the edge… my life is too good to end it, to give up but it´s not good enough to have any hope of getting happy or having a couple of month without any heavy problems and that i think will make me ill by time… there´s nothing that makes me happy, nothing that i can hope for and noone will make me happy… i refuse to believe this but it´s hammered into my mind everyday, again and again… i just think my life doesn´t matter and nobody, really noone on earth would even recognize if i would be gone… ask myself when this breaks my mind…
